Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
