I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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