You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
