I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
