i already hear my dad disowning me
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
