Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Green mimosas i think yes
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
