Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Randomize
