put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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