If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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