you traded sex for a burrito?
Too much gin, very little bucket
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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