i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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