burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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