she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
