If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
my being single is dangerous.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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