Please, let me fuck your mom
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
