But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
