the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Is it penis luge time yet?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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