Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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