I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
