So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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