just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
