there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
