They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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