Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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