Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
