my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Let's get the cat blown out
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
