my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
