He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I have grass duct taped all over my body
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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