Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
