My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Don't EVER smell your tampon
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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