My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
