I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
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