i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
