remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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