I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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