I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
