Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
