Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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