3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
