I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
