he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
