My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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