Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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