my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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