I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
