between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
