he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize