I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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