whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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