I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Randomize
