Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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