i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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