I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
