i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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