You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize
