My friends, they love my intelligence
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
