ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
