I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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