Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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