can we get nightvision for the apartment?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
