Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
