You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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