I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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